Are you my benefactor?

Finally, scientific proof that no matter your gender, when you have offspring, you should not still be on Facebook.

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:43:00 -0500

Finally, scientific proof that no matter your gender, when you have offspring, you should not still be on Facebook.

It will help him get into college...?

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:43:34 -0500

It will help him get into college...?

hehe.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 16:15:07 -0500

Make your restaurant special

Reply to: res-985322143@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2009-01-08, 4:08PM EST

Have you ever witnessed a fellow diner’s marriage proposal during a nice meal? Instantaneously that restaurant is a special place, a chosen place, where one of the most important events of a lifetime was played out. Other diners become audience members and supporters; more often than not, they go on to tell their family and friends about the experience. The engagement site gains excitement, intimacy, and importance, and the restaurant is remembered and revisited (and used for more engagements).

My partner and I are college educated, 25-year-old working actors who enjoy dining out. We are happy to stage believable public engagements that enhance the restaurant experience for other diners. In exchange, we require a complimentary meal and drinks. We are professional, easy to work with, and do this because we think it’s fun. This is especially successful at new restaurants or restaurants that are striving for a more upscale clientele.

Serious inquiries only.

Overheard at Lunch

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:15:41 -0500

Old man: So you think I should leave her?

Young man: You know what they say the magic words are in a serious relationship.

Old man: What?

Young man: One word, two syllables. ‘Goodbye’.

Old man: That’s two words.

Young man: Oh. You’re right.

(two words, two syllables for the 36-year-old woman Old man is dating: GET OUT).

Things we did in high school (a list)

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:42:58 -0500

- parked in front of Fantasy Video to ‘watch the perverts’

- played marker assassin at school

- had theme days (messy hair day, no underwear day)

- left notes under desks when we had the same seat in the same classroom but were in different sections

- sat in the hallway in the morning

- talked on AIM

- crashed cars in parking lots

- bought some goldfish and watched them die

- kidnapped one another (bound and gagged, thrown in the back of a car and taken to a field and once a deserted house)

- went to theater competitions

words and birds

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:28:25 -0500

I like similes that usual animals in their comparisons, as they are extremely visual and often beg some leap of the imagination (it’s easier to picture simile animals as cartoons or drawings, not the National Geographic kind):

as hungry as a bear

as slippery as an eel

as wise as an owl

as blind as a bat

But the best are animal similes that don’t make a sense:

as happy as a clam

as sick as a dog

as healthy as a horse (debatable)

And, my favorite:

as drunk as a skunk

Resurrected

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 13:14:00 -0500

Lucas: i’m going to lunch
your blog is dead

Hmm, Are You My Benefactor? has been particularly stagnant recently (read: the last month), largely because I’m not longer a temp. However, I believe it’s not over until tumblr removes it for inactivity, so we’re back on. To catch up on the last month, I’d like to share some of the things I’ve Googled (this should also be a coffee table book, with famous people and the things they’ve Googled in the last thirty days):

The Things I’ve Googled (abridged)

Publishing interview

Questions at a publishing interview

work in publishing

Interview thank you letters

Ask for more money, interview

Halloween punch

Monster Punch

The Count Muppets (image search)

The Count costume

Should I be a journalist?

Be a journalist

Should I be an English professor

Become an English professor

Cockroach in shower

How much earwax is normal (web and image search)

slow cookers

what’s the difference between a crockpot and a slow cooker

work for city council

puppycam

puppy of the day

obama puppy

MUD for short

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:21:34 -0400

On the F train:

Mom: Do you know what today is?

Little Girl: My bithday day!

Mom: That’s right. And because you’ve been such a good girl and you’ve been responsible with your guinea pig — you’ve fed him and played with him and cleaned his cage — we have decided to get you what you really wanted. Do you remember what you really wanted?

Little Girl: ….no…

Mom (whips out a stuffed puppy): Woof woof woof!

Little Girl: Doggy!

Mom: What do you want to name him?

Little Girl: MUD PUDDLES!

*10 bucks says that four-year-old gets a real puppy she didn’t remember she wanted tonight. Too bad for mom and the next 16 years of dog food and vet bills, the stuffed puppy would have done the trick.

song for sarah

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:24:34 -0400

song for sarah

P as in penguin, Y as in yak.

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:53:00 -0400

I wonder if there is a formal name for the practice of spelling words by giving a phonetic example for each letter. Phone operators have a memorized database and develop a sing-songy quality when giving you a confirmation: “A as in apple, C as in cat, P as in pear, H as in hat…” You can’t help but picture every noun named - like a kindergarten alphabet reader with delicious pictures. When poor numbers are thrown in, they sound stark and plain in comparison, the uncoordinated middle child.

The other day, the Comcast lady, who was clearly in the middle of India, gave such a lovely, lilting, poetic reading of my full name that I wanted to ask her to do it again so I could write it down or secretly record it:

R as in rabbit

A as in apple

C as in can

H as in hero

E as in elephant …

American Apparel (of the mandible-cracking variety)

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:07:00 -0400

Nuzzled up next to some Fox News headlines was an ad for conservative t-shirts with some sweet, productive messages. See, they’re not so bad.

like this

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:06:00 -0400

like this

And for your baby

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:05:52 -0400

And for your baby

this

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:05:35 -0400

this

But the one that dropped my jaw so quickly it cracked was

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:04:46 -0400

But the one that dropped my jaw so quickly it cracked was

this one

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:04:00 -0400

this one

don’t worry

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 22:59:00 -0400

don’t worry

there are so many more...

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 22:58:00 -0400

there are so many more...

current mindset

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 22:45:00 -0400

Conversation heard at the gym:

Woman: He’s the only one who can do it.

Man: Yep, can’t be your parents, can’t be your brothers and sisters.

Woman: He’s our one chance.

Man: We have show our respect and love for him.

I assumed they were referring to Obama. Turns out, they were talking about Jesus.

Affenpinscher Neapolitan Mastiff Mix!

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:55:00 -0400

I like it when people reveal a specific wealth of knowledge they rarely use. An ability to detail the biographies of every cast member of Cheers. A foreign language comprised of thousands of words and inflections that are only stirred by class, study abroad, and vacation. The ability to play the xylophone. The memorization of entire cookbooks. It’s even better when the knowledge is not skill-based, and will not advance an individual’s life in any way.

Due to a middle/high school stint in Catholicism, I know the melodies and approximate lyrics to several hundred religious songs. These tunes lay dormant in my brain for years, until, by slight chance, something stirs them up and an entire verse and chorus of “On Eagle’s Wings” pops into my humming. I have a long-standing plan with my roommate, another product of Catholic schooling, to turn this musical library into a drinking game.

As the product of a fifth-grade obsession, I can also identify most dogs by their breeds, even mutts.