January 2009
4 posts
Finally, scientific proof that no matter your... →
It will help him get into college...? →
hehe.
Make your restaurant special
Reply to: res-985322143@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-01-08, 4:08PM EST Have you ever witnessed a fellow diner’s marriage proposal during a nice meal? Instantaneously that restaurant is a special place, a chosen place, where one of the most important events of a lifetime was played out. Other diners become audience members and supporters; more often than not,...
Overheard at Lunch
Old man: So you think I should leave her?
Young man: You know what they say the magic words are in a serious relationship.
Old man: What?
Young man: One word, two syllables. ‘Goodbye’.
Old man: That’s two words.
Young man: Oh. You’re right.
(two words, two syllables for the 36-year-old woman Old man is dating: GET OUT).
December 2008
2 posts
Things we did in high school (a list)
- parked in front of Fantasy Video to ‘watch the perverts’
- played marker assassin at school
- had theme days (messy hair day, no underwear day)
- left notes under desks when we had the same seat in the same classroom but were in different sections
- sat in the hallway in the morning
- talked on AIM
- crashed cars in parking lots
- bought some goldfish and watched them die
-...
words and birds
I like similes that usual animals in their comparisons, as they are extremely visual and often beg some leap of the imagination (it’s easier to picture simile animals as cartoons or drawings, not the National Geographic kind):
as hungry as a bear
as slippery as an eel
as wise as an owl
as blind as a bat
But the best are animal similes that don’t make a sense:
as happy as a clam
...
November 2008
1 post
Resurrected
Lucas: i’m going to lunch your blog is dead
Hmm, Are You My Benefactor? has been particularly stagnant recently (read: the last month), largely because I’m not longer a temp. However, I believe it’s not over until tumblr removes it for inactivity, so we’re back on. To catch up on the last month, I’d like to share some of the things I’ve Googled (this should...
October 2008
24 posts
MUD for short
On the F train:
Mom: Do you know what today is?
Little Girl: My bithday day!
Mom: That’s right. And because you’ve been such a good girl and you’ve been responsible with your guinea pig — you’ve fed him and played with him and cleaned his cage — we have decided to get you what you really wanted. Do you remember what you really wanted?
Little Girl: ...
song for sarah →
P as in penguin, Y as in yak.
I wonder if there is a formal name for the practice of spelling words by giving a phonetic example for each letter. Phone operators have a memorized database and develop a sing-songy quality when giving you a confirmation: “A as in apple, C as in cat, P as in pear, H as in hat…” You can’t help but picture every noun named - like a kindergarten alphabet reader with delicious...
American Apparel (of the mandible-cracking...
Nuzzled up next to some Fox News headlines was an ad for conservative t-shirts with some sweet, productive messages. See, they’re not so bad.
like this →
And for your baby
this →
But the one that dropped my jaw so quickly it cracked was
this one →
don’t worry
there are so many more... →
current mindset
Conversation heard at the gym:
Woman: He’s the only one who can do it.
Man: Yep, can’t be your parents, can’t be your brothers and sisters.
Woman: He’s our one chance.
Man: We have show our respect and love for him.
I assumed they were referring to Obama. Turns out, they were talking about Jesus.
Affenpinscher Neapolitan Mastiff Mix!
I like it when people reveal a specific wealth of knowledge they rarely use. An ability to detail the biographies of every cast member of Cheers. A foreign language comprised of thousands of words and inflections that are only stirred by class, study abroad, and vacation. The ability to play the xylophone. The memorization of entire cookbooks. It’s even better when the knowledge is not...
“I love her, she’s a hoot and she’s so talented,” Palin said....”
– Sarah Palin, on appearing on SNL, where she would imitate Tina Fey imitating…her?
"something munched the baby" →
Immaculate conception?
I love you cnn.com.
..in the timing..
My watch stopped working this morning, five minutes before I woke up. It died in my sleep. This has never happened before, as it typically takes me four days to lose one or drown it in the shower.
On Monday, I complimented a woman interviewing me on her brooch (I actually liked it). It was a fusion of old watch faces, garnished with brass, silver, and gold stars and tendrils. She said a...
Heaven?
“It was just about raining penguins”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/10/08/rescued.penguins/index.html#cnnSTCText
'America's Election HQ'
Names of frequent posters on Fox News online election coverage:
cradleofliberty
blinders
proudamerican23
opinion
zuulformcchange
drillbabydrill
handfulofhumans
Names of the posters they are attacking:
4thefuture
Missourribill
confusedindpdnt
commonsense101
We're roommates AND we have work-life balance...
The latest Lattice Group newsletter. Scroll down for back-to-back roommate authorship:
LATTICE- October 2008
Hail and Hardy
I have spent a disproportionate amount of time thinking about Hale and Hearty Soups. Hale? Hearty? A proper noun and an adjective? Did Thomas Hale and William Hearty make soup together as pilgrim boys?
Research reveals: “Hale & Hearty is a phrase from Shakespeare that means ‘healthy and well nourished’ (www.haleandhearty.com). It is used in Henry IV (www.google.com)....
At three-thirty pm today
between placing a catering order and putting callers on hold, my brain began a slow exodus, dripping from my right ear to my collarbone, creating a gelatinous lake of gleaming restlessness on the tile. I had to call Office Services to clean it up.
September 2008
19 posts
If there's anything toppling France, it's this
“Mr. Sarkozy is by no means a food connoisseur, and even his close confidants confess that he doesn’t much enjoy eating. A teetotaler, he often fakes his way through toasts.”
—NYTimes
Tasty New World
Shockingly, I never knew about catering tastings. Today a darling woman arrived at reception, laden with baskets of gourmet sandwiches, salads, orzos, and chocolatey desserts. After a spiel about where the delicious food came from and how it was made, we got to eat the delicious food. In fact, the woman left before we ate, so there wasn’t even an awkward display of...
I like it when
people answer the phone and you can tell they’ve just been laughing about something on their end. Particularly people who work in professional places.
Photojournal Coffee-Table Books to Make
- A collection of close-ups of people mid-sneeze. Could include dignitaries, pop celebrities, and commoners (warning: unoriginal. this idea was mentioned by someone in high school and has been embedded in my brain for over six years)
- American barber shops and hair salons. Pictures must include quippy/punny names of salons, such as The Mane Effect, The Glass Clipper, Hair’s Looking At...
Current mysteries I would most like to solve
— What is that smell? The one on Montague street that has lingered (stronger in the morning, less pungent but still present at night) for over two weeks now, in front of Garden of Eden, the Irish bar, and Hallmark. A sharp combination of trash, poop, and perhaps something dead, its origin seems to be travelling down the street at a pace of several feet a day. Other people are wondering...
“Hi Rachel, this is Stacey from Health and Life Direct, calling in response to...”
– My well-meaning dad filled out an online health insurance request form for me. In the past seven days, I have received 26 phone calls from insurance agents, mostly from Florida. If you’ve ever wanted to feel popular…
items scrounged up at work
espresso
fruit from a fruit platter
fruit from a basket
a company bag
notebooks
pens
stationary
sandwiches
pizza
soda
a bottle of champagne (given, not stolen)
and all this while wearing mom pants.
“Hi, I just recieved a big order from you guys. Yeah, so, we ordered some chips,...”
– Stressed-out recent college grad, one cubicle over
Dreams deferred
Jobs I once wanted (in order)
shoe saleswoman (Nordstrom kid’s department)
vet
professional pet namer
actress
singer
president
pioneer
queen
synchronized swimmer
news reporter
teacher
author
publisher
perpetual student
temp
If it's in Wikipedia...
I am seeing this girl sing tonight:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anais_Mitchell
Talented, quirky, smart, and on Wikipedia? Everyone I know not-so-secretly wants to be her.
Craigslist delivers again:
Christian Dancers Needed
BREATHE Dance is a Christian dance ministry that desires to offer a full-bodied expression of freedom and worship through many styles of dance to God. BREATHE Dance opens the way for dancers to carry their faith without any limits. Gathering dancers from different denominations and experiences, BREATHE Dance commits to revealing the Gospel through beautiful...
Win-Lose Situation
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/09/10/lhc.collider/index.html
It’s cute how they tuck in,
“Skeptics, who claim that the experiment could lead to the creation of a black hole capable of swallowing the planet…”
Worrywarts! What’s the worst thing that could happen??
